Your Name, Please?

Deciding on What Name You'll Use After Your Wedding

What will your name be after you're married? It may not seem like a big deal right now, while you're in the planning stages, but just watch what a big decision it will turn into once it's time to make up your mind.

YOUR OPTIONS
Here's a list of your common options:

• Keep your own name: Miss/Ms. Mary B. Smith

• Take your husband's name: Mrs. John Doe or Mrs. Mary Doe or Mrs. John (Mary) Doe or Ms. Mary Doe

• Hyphenate your last name:  Mrs. Mary Smith-Doe or Ms. Mary Smith-Doe

• Keep your last name as a middle name: Mrs. Mary Smith Doe or Ms. Mary Smith Doe

PROS, CONS & REASONS
Your name is uniquely yours. You may not wish to be known by another name. You may not feel comfortable with a "new" name. It is perfectly acceptable to continue using your old name in this day and age. As a matter of fact, it has never actually been a law in the United States, as far as we know, for a wife to take her husband's name! It has simply been the custom, the traditional approach. If you're certain you'll be keeping your own name, you basically won't have to do anything about it. Simply correct the return address of mail projecting your husband's name onto you, and gently inform those addressing you by your husband's name that you wish to continue being called by your own name.

As far as taking your husband's name, many feel that it is a sign of love and commitment to adopt a new name - a new name for a new life. And being the traditional approach, it may be the easiest way to deal with the whole issue. If your new name would make you feel proud and comfortable, by all means feel free to make the traditional choice.

It is by no means a reflection on your independence or political stance to adopt your husband's name, even in this era of PC (Political Correctness). Just look at the many famous, independent and powerful women who have taken the plunge (Pamela Anderson is now Pamela Lee; Yoko One became Yoko Ono Lennon - although it should be mentioned here that John Winston Lennon became John Ono Lennon and that their child was named Sean Ono Lennon - score one for the women; Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver both hyphenate).

One funny problem that occurs more often than you'd think would be the odd combinations which could result from changing your name: Patty Fast marries John Laine and becomes Patty Fast Laine; Thelma Jones marries Victor Selmer and becomes Thelma Selmer. Make sure you don't choose a name which could make you feel uncomfortable or make you the brunt of unkind jokes.

Far and away, the most common and most comfortable way to deal with the whole thing is to simply add your husband's last name to yours, either by hyphenating the two (Mrs. Mary Smith-Doe) or by adapting your last name as a middle name (Mary Smith Doe). This also allows for a certain amount of ethnicity and tradition to be preserved without militancy, and also is great for continuing a family name or line in cases where there are no male heirs. You can use your last name as a middle name or hyphenated last name for your children. (Interestingly, in Spain, among other countries, a child's last name is the MOTHER'S NAME! This tradition goes back centuries to the idea that while paternity could always be questioned, maternity is a definite. Therefore, if Mary Smith married John Jones, their child would be Joseph Jones Smith!

This approach more or less circumvents the entire dilemma and let's people know that you are proud of your marriage and your husband's name, but that you still maintain an independent streak.

For many, the issue of name choice is a matter of professional importance. If you are well known to the public or within your profession, you may not wish to jeopardize any name-recognition factor or "bankability" of your name, nor in any way negate your previous accomplishments. Suppose you were a well known author with five best-sellers under your "maiden" name. Would you consider changing your name to your husband's at the risk of confusing your audience? In cases like this, by all means maintain your own name as your professional name, even if you wish to adopt your husband's name in your private life. (A great example is Diane Sawyer. She is married to movie director/writer Mike Nichols. As a broadcaster and author she continues to use her own name, but it is reported that she prefers to be called "Mrs. Nichols" at all other times.)

So basically, the whole thing boils down to a matter of personal choice, and what could be more politically correct than that?

Don't let your husband bully you into taking his name. That is certainly a danger sign in itself. It's your decision to make, and make it alone. Along the way, there will be other issues and annoyances (will you be Ms. or Mrs.? Will you accept the traditional in formal circumstances - Mrs. John Smith? Will you change your mind along the way?). Just go with the flow and begin to develop a sense of what you'd like your name to be. Once things have settled into a pattern, you will want to begin formalizing your decision on legal documents, etc. Below is a checklist to help you on your way. Good luck in your new life with your new - or old - name!

CHECKLIST FOR NAME CHANGES: