As a life celebrant and wedding officiant, I have the honor of creating unique and meaningful wedding ceremonies for couples. As part of this process, I encourage the couples I work with to consider writing their own vows. The initial reactions I get run the gamut from excitement to terror! Not knowing where to begin, or finding words the words that come from your heart, may seem to be a daunting task. So, I have put together a 4-step process:

Step 1- Preparation for Writing your Vows

With a little help, encouragement and the right questions, the vows you create will be special and meaningful. Here are a just few questions to consider in preparation for writing your vows:

What is the tone you wish to create in your vows, do you want them serious, funny, spiritual, religious, lighthearted and/or a combination?
What was it about him/her that first drew you in/caught your attention?
What are the little things you cherish the most about him/her?
How and when did you know that this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
When you are apart, what do you miss?
How and what has changed in your life because of him/her?
What are your common beliefs and values about a committed relationship and marriage?
What/how do you hope to contribute as a couple with family, friends and life? What kind of life do you see with him/her in the future?
When answering these questions go beyond what I call the "material trappings” of life. While these may be important, it is your heart that propelled you to this day.

Step 2- Beginning the Draft

There are no right or wrong approaches to writing your personal vows. When thinking about the questions in Step 1, you want to begin by asking yourself, what are the 4 or 5 key words or concepts that are important in a healthy and successful relationship? From these, what are the promises you wish to make to each other? Remember vows are promises; it is what this day and ceremony are truly about. Write these promises in your own words, (don't worry if they don't sound perfect or if the words don't feel right, we will smooth them out later) and combine them into sentences. If you find that you are including stories about how your met, or fun times, do not discard these, simply write them down on a separate piece of paper for future consideration. What you want to end up with is something heartfelt, sincere and specific. Here is an example:

4 or 5 key words or concepts:

Support of each other’s individual growth and growth as a couple.
Sharing your dreams, goals but having fun!
Comfort in difficult times...we will have them!
Importance of roles as friends, partners and lovers
Integrity in our communications, listening past our difficulties
Trust and faithfulness, the eternal nature of our connection

The Sentences:

I promise to support your growth always as you have supported me, and to be mindful of our growth as a couple. I will share in you your dreams, hopes and desires balancing this with fun and lightness in our lives. I will be your friend, partner and your lover, standing by you in good times and in difficult times. In our communications, I will listen deeply for your truth and be honest about mine, even if it seems hard. I will remain conscious each day of the trust you place in me and will remain faithful to you through all the days of my life.

Remember these are concept promises; we will smooth them out later. Make sure the sentiment is what you want. Words and phrasing are creative expressions and part of the next 2 steps.

Step 3- Establishing the Context

You are close to finish line! In creating your vows, you may wish to include the “context” of your vow, why you are saying these promises, how you feel and the overall “essence” of your relationship. You can begin by asking yourself, how might I describe our relationship; Do you have a deep friendship? Was your journey to each other long? Surprising? Were you looking for your soul mate and/or a life partner? If so for how long and what were the circumstances you met under? If you believe in a higher power, is this included? Does this person inspire you, ground you, and provide balance in your life? These questions can help you cull out the overall context. Again, don’t worry if you think its long we will put it all together and then look at phrasing, words and sentiment. The ultimate length of your vow is a personal decision, and if you have a savvy wedding officiant, she/he will guide you in this, ensuring that your vows and the themes within your ceremony are seamlessly interwoven, and yes…not too long.

Here is a combination of what my husband and I said to each other as part of our vows to get your juices flowing...

, what I want to tell you is how grateful I am for all your love. How much these past years have meant to me. My love for you has grown greater because of all the things we’ve been through together. (of course there is more….)

, as my friend, partner and lover you have supported me in my personal journey with love, compassion, loyalty, and tenacity. With respect and integrity in my actions I promise this day to: (yes...tenacity definitely inspired chuckles for those who have known us!)

If you are thinking you shouldn't look at examples of other people’s vows to get ideas, put your “should’s” aside. Sometimes seeing what others wrote opens something up in your own mind...and it is easy after all...they are all over the web!

Step 4- Putting it all Together

The final step to putting your vows together is combining the context with the promises you created. As you combine these read them out loud and ask yourself, does something feel like it might be missing? Are there specific words that you use in describing your relationship that are not included in the draft? If you live up to these vows, each and every day, would they nurture and sustain your marriage?

If you have answered yes to all of this, you are ready to fine-tune the wording and flow. As you begin, look for anything that may be repetitive and/or complicated by how you use language. As a wedding officiant, I have experienced again and again, that simple, specific and from the heart vows are perceived as more personal, meaningful and eloquent by the couple and those invited to witness your marriage. If you remove redundancy and pay attention to how ideas flow together, changing words that connect to the next thought and playing with what should come first, you will find that you have written a vow that's just right for you.

You can test this by reading them out loud several times. Return to them each day for 2-3 days asking yourself each time, is there something that is missing or does not feel quite right yet? Deciding to keep it brief or a bit longer is a personal choice, here are 2 versions using the context and promises that are above:

_____, as my friend, partner and lover you have supported me in my personal journey with love, compassion, loyalty and tenacity. With respect and integrity in my actions towards you, I promise this day to support your growth as an individual; sharing in your dreams and being of comfort to you in difficult times. As your friend, partner and lover, I will communicate honestly with you, listening between the words for your truth, and balancing your truth with my own, no matter how difficult it may seem. I will trust our relationship through the joys and sorrows of life always standing by your side and sleeping in your arms. Knowing that I can be overly serious, I promise to ensure that there is always fun and playtime for us. I promise to live these vows for today and all of our tomorrows.

_____, as my friend, partner and lover you have changed my life. I promise this day to support as you have always supported me, communicating honestly and trusting the essence of our relationship. I promise to play and have fun with you, keeping our love alive. With respect and integrity in my thoughts and actions towards you, this promise is made in love for all my days.

While the above article deals with one process in putting together your vows, I have known couples that use poetry, music and/or lyrics from songs as part or all of their vows. When it comes to promises from the heart, I encourage you to explore your own unique way of speaking and expressing these to your betrothed.

Peace and Blessings,

Rev. LisaAnn Donegan
Interfaith Minister and Life Celebrant
Ceremonies from the Heart

New England Wedding Professionals

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